A lot of things have happened for these past three months. Even I, myself,  is also amazed by these incidents. I don't know what struck me that leads to the occurrence. I am confused, yes indeed drowning in my own thoughts. I told myself that I should not but I guess my words are useless. It doesn't seem to conquer the battle. Now, things get even more complicated. I let it start due to my impatience and negligence. I don't even know what will unfold in the future, or how to clean this mess up. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride these few days. Always trying to reassure and pacify myself, but my mind just seem to be out of control. It will constantly jump through the wall and go outside of the box, It took me so hard every time to contain it back. Positivity and objectivity are what I need now. Blame it on who, I am not sure, maybe on the universe. 

Sometimes, I wonder why do I give in so much. Why do I need to keep things to myself? Why can't I stand up and convey what I really want to? Why do I need to restrict myself from certain things? Why do I have to sacrifice my happiness? Why do I make myself to be at the losing end? Why? I don't know. I guess it's just me and myself.. Being afraid of rejection, being afraid of losing. I am such a coward.
Perhaps, time is all I needed. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to voice out. Time to let go. Just time.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, silence is gold, and some things are better left untold..

"There comes to a point when nothing matters anymore, and it seems pointless to try and pursue."
Basically, that is what I am feeling now. I am not sure if it is just me being sensitive or whatnot. However, I feel that everything is crumbling down. I feel so insecure like what I had been experiencing few years back then. I really dread the history to repeat itself. I don't want to see them suffer and struggle to pass every day. I don't expect much, all I want is to stay happy and free from unnecessary doubts and worries,  To simply live and enjoy is all I ask for. Aside from that, I also feel lonely, yes lonely not alone. I have rarely feel alone in my life, but lonely is another thing. There are many times when I am in a big crowd, but I don't feel any belongingness. That is really sad, it's like the highest level of isolation. Maybe it's just me, maybe. Feeling so so fragile, to the extent of being broken. Some people who read this entry may think that I am being so exaggerating and stuff, but well there is just some moment when I indulge myself into this vibe, and start to let my thoughts wander. The only place I can rant and let out my feelings.

Ended up chatting with two friends of mine, and I snapped out of my melancholic state. Felt so much better now. So true that being lonely makes the thoughts run, well, humans really need company.

Anyway. school's out, Finally, the long deserved break is here. Still feeling jittery and anxious about my result, I really hope that I can maintain it well.
And as usual, ran out of blogging vibe because I had snapped out of the melancholic state.

Typing this entry while I am in the class now. I woke up in a good spirit, feeling as energetic as I could be. However, once I stepped into the class, I somehow feel like I am zoning out. Thoughts flow into my mind, and it goes "Fitting in is indeed hard", "If it's meant to be, then it will be".

Anyway, this is the last week of school. Chinese New Year holidays will be starting on 17th February, and I am so hyped for it. On the other hand, many things are on my mind, and I feel anxious, but it is not as worse as I used to be. All is good, all is well. I feel more at ease now. Finally, this semester is ending. I can't wait for the long break, and new semester. Hopefully, it will be much better with fun modules, facilitators, and classmates.

Feeling out of vibe to blog in class, that's all for now. 

And it is 2015.

School has just resumed today, after 2 weeks break which comprises of Christmas and New Year holiday. I experienced a mixed feeling during this break. On one hand, I feel that I grew up and became more matured. The feeling is very bizarre and unfamiliar to me. I feel at peace and calm, somehow my perspective and thoughts seemed to be more at ease and slow-paced. I don't know how should I describe this feeling, it is just something new to me. On another hand, I feel sad and empty. It is like I realize that after all of these time, I am still lonely. Everything is just a facade. However, I did some self-introspection, and I realize that I don't, so why do they need to do it for me? Yes, I guess it's all about "What goes around comes around" or "You reap what you sow". I can't help to feel sad at the first place, but after I sort it out, then my mind goes "Oh, so it's like this. Yes, maybe I was in fault too. Ya, I can't blame anyone." Through this, I guess I really matured. It does not matter, and I should not be so demanding or calculative about it. 2015's resolution is to be a better and happier man. It is not hard, I only need to be grateful and contented for what I have right now. I should not be so particular and look into all the small details. I should not magnify every single thing. I am not sure how long will this unusual feeling lies in me, but I shall try to grasp every moment of this, and make the best result out of it.

//

I had my Christmas holiday over here in Singapore. My sister is here, and I spent few days going out with her. There was one day though in which I spent it with my half of my first term classmates, we went to a Korean BBQ Buffet Restaurant in Tanjong Pagar to dine and catch up, continuing to random bar in Clarke Quay to chill. It really feel so heartwarming to gather with them.
I spent another two days resting at home, because I injured my leg. I swear it feels like crap when you got injured on a festive season, it kills all the festive mood. I can't bear to stay at home anymore on this kind of festive season, so I decided to just head out with my sister, and bearing the pain in my ankle. I think it has gotten well now, although the scab has not peeled off yet. I am not sure if it is me being paranoid, but I keep on feeling vibration on my leg, and there are times it feels sore. Not sure whether it is the aftermath of the injury, but well I am taking it lightly now. I am sure I will be okay. I worked on the 27th of December, it's Jay Chou's concert! Although I am not a big fan of him, but I like his songs. Working on that day feels like attending his concert, glad to hear him singing live. Indeed a good vibe for his songs after Christmas. On the side note, that's the day in which I started to have that bizarre feelings. Suddenly, it sounds all spooky to me.

I went back to Batam on 28th, and I swear I feel so happy this time. I am not sure why I feel so happy and excited this time. I guess going back to home country still feel the best, like I am in my comfort zone. Spent my time in Batam by chilling and hanging out with friends, enjoying quality time with family, and getting all the stress and burdens off my mind. Somehow, I feel like it is a great escape from the hectic life. I spent my New Year's Eve together with my friends by having a staycation in a hotel. The moment is really unforgettable. We had a lot of fun just by gathering and doing nothing. There were a lot of hiccups before the actual day, we need to get so many things to be done, while there are people who seemed to be less enthusiastic, and can't be bothered. However, everything turned out differently, I guess I can call it "blessing in disguise". Everyone managed to turn up, and we managed to have the staycation smoothly and happily. Spent off our night drinking, playing silly games, talking to each other, taking tons of pictures, driving out late night to have supper, and have morning "wefies", continued with a simple breakfast together. By the time we are supposed to disband, I suddenly feel a surge of emptiness, in which I feel that the time we spent together is not enough. I managed to go out with my friends again on the day before I came back to Singapore. We went to Barelang to have seafoods, and damn it, we actually spent almost 2 hours in the car for the journey to reach that secluded place. What's even sadder is that there are no more crabs that we want when we reach there, so we settled with another type of crab. However, it is always the people who matter, so I really enjoyed my trip there! We proceeded to have dessert in that area. Went to a mall afterwards, and I purchased a jeans. We continued to a Korean Restaurant to have our dinner. Still feeling not satisfied, so we went to McDonald's. I ended the day with them by having my parents to fetch me, because I need to take early ferry tomorrow, so I need to get back first to pack up and have sufficient sleep. Sadly, the fateful 4th Jan came, and it is the day that I need to go back to Singapore. The feeling that I had before coming back to Singapore was really heavy. I feel so sad and empty. Once I reached Singapore, I somehow feel that everything has really changed, I have somehow changed. I don't feel like the same me anymore. Up till now while typing this entry, I am still feeling bizarre. I really can't wait for March holidays, I am definitely going back and enjoy more of my quality time with my loved ones. On a side note, I have finished my Business Statistics UT Clinic question, and I am happy that I managed to get all correct. Feeling so confident and ready for UT2. Come on papers, I am going to triumph over all of you.


Signing off with a quote, "Cheers to a New Year, and another chance for us to get it right!"

Life has been so hard on me. Or is it only me?

Have been so hectic and tired of school recently. I can't seem to find any motivation in school. First and utmost, I guess it's because I am feeling so lonely. I don't feel any sense of belongingness in the class. Nowadays, when the night starts to fall in and I am all alone, I feel so sad and depressed. I can't wait to go back home and spend times with my family. There are times when I just feel like giving up on everything here and head back to live a standardized life. I might be happier that way. Well, now it sounds that I am damn emotional. Secondly, I have low expectancy and instrumentality in one particular module. It's like no matter how hard I try to do well, I will still score a B. So far for 8 problems, I scored 3 A's, and all those A's achieved is because RJ is not graded. Some people don't even bother to participate in class, and some of their presentations are just similar to ours but they still got an A from the lecturer, while I get a B or a C. So yeah, I don't see any fairness in grading and I don't know what the hell is the lecturer expecting from me. Lastly, most of the lecturer this semester really does not know how to teach. They were like blabbering all those things that does not even make sense to themselves, and it really takes a hard time for me to understand what they are trying to convey. Thus, most of the time, it is just me who needs to revise on my own, and get the grasp of the lesson. Deeply inside, I can't wait for this semester to end. I really hope that in the upcoming semester, everything will be much better. Let's believe that there is always sunshine after a storm.
On the other hand, UT1 is finally over. I am not sure if I did well for the UTs. We went through for the answers of 3 modules, and I only get 1 A so far. We were left with 2 modules that have not been went through yet, but well I don't have high expectations for the other 1 module anyway.

Holiday is approaching soon. I will have my holiday from the 20th of December until 4th of January. I am so excited because I finally get a break from the tortures of school. I get even more excited at the thought of going back to Batam this coming Friday. Finally, I get to enjoy my time with my family, and most importantly, I get to eat mom's cooked food! I can't wait for this week to end asap. Aside from that, I had just sent out an e-mail to my IG President, saying that I am quitting the IG. This means that I don't need to join the camp on 22nd and 23rd of December which is the start of my holiday. This also means that I get to stay at Batam for a longer period of time before I come back to Singapore. I am so happy at the thought of it. Cliche but true, home is still the best place to be at. That's all for now. Hopefully, I'll be back with cheerful mood and happy posts!

(29/11/2014)

It was raining heavily that day when I had work, and I went to grab some food before leaving to my workplace. I sat by the place where I was eating and looked at the rain, waiting for it to subside so that I could walk to the bus stop. The hand of the clock keeps on ticking, soon the rain subsided. So, I decided to walk to bus stop at that moment. As I was walking through the small route that brings me to the bus stop, I feel really peaceful. The smooth breeze after the rain blows towards my face, and the vibe was just right. How I wish the time could stop at that moment, and let me have some time to embrace and enjoy our mother nature. Not long after, I boarded on the bus and reached the MRT station. I took the train to another part of the city. Along the journey, I was not seated, I am just standing with my earpiece plugged in my ears. The rain just got harder and harder as I passed one and another station along my way. And I somehow realized, I have a great affection towards rain. Whenever it rains, I will get all excited to be drowned in my melancholy mood. But oddly, instead of feeling sad or depressed, I felt happy and peaceful. I guess it's just me and my weird personality.

4/12/2014

Had my Financial Accounting UT today, it was quite manageable for me. The only downside is that the paper was quite confusing and made a lot of people to be unable to do it well. I guess the reason is because we were not familiarized enough to do accounting on a computer, hence leading to confusion to most of the people. I will be having another UT tomorrow for my Project Management and Scheduling module. And, I dread it so much. I really don't dare to even imagine what will happen tomorrow. Throughout my journey in poly, this is one of the module that I really had no understanding towards it. I don't know what I have been doing for the past 7 weeks for this module. I am having so much doubts now, whether events is really the right path for me. I really regretted that I didn't appeal back then to get into my first choice. Even though, it seems to be futile to appeal as I am an international student which have lower chance or even not applicable to appeal, but still I should had taken a shot. Well, the past is the past, no point to regret and fret over it now. I just hope that it will get better over the time and let me regain my motivation and confidence to finish this academic journey. I can't take the risk to play with my poly life, it is like life and death situation to me. I can't just let my parent's expectations and efforts to go down in vain. May the paper be on our favor tomorrow, please. Gonna hit the sack now. Good night and Good Luck!